What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.