Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Natural selection at its finest
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”