Natural selection at its finest
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As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I will never stop laughing at this
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
An odd boast
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Breakfast for Stoners:
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]