Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Sponch
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Google reviews are always so mixed..
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.