@Smug_Lemur

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

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@LetMeStart

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@MadHatterMommy

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@liljonlovitz

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”