guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone