Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
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*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]