ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I have never related to anyone more.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]