I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.