We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
opening a flower shop called women in stem
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?