I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…