Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Okay
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.