Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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no refunds
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
mood
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary