Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.