I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
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“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Y’all know who you are.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“OMGJK” -atheists
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue