Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
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My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Has there ever been a more American story?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
there has never been a better use of this meme
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO