UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
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Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Clients after you give them your rates
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”