You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.