Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.