There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
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Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My neck my back my allergy attack
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.