The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.