pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end