I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
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-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
NASA has no chill
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?