Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*