Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
At least my masseuse has my back.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.