*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
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I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”