I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
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accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I’d rather fork than spoon.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!