My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
You Might Also Like
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.