A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.