Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

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A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.


Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.


I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?


[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?


Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.


It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this


Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”


Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.


Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”