Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
same vibe as tangled headphones
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?