Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
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is this how new cars are made??
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep