Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
My first son he is wonderful
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?