That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Note to self: I am a note
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?