Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Proctology is located in A55
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.