#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!