“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My friend is an excellent librarian.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other