First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
be careful
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
New comic up. “Ransom”
Order here:
More here:
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back