cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here