My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
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To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me: