Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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meow
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
