Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this![]()
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I can also cook 😂
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
spot the difference
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it