Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
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superterriblemorningexpialidocious
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks