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Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
My guardian angel deserves a raise