COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I ate everything, including the H.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this