I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]