Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
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[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Happy Friday
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.