You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.