My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
My sex drive has a dui
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve