Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: