I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint