@SoulYodeler

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

You Might Also Like

@Thuggedraccoon

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@AndrewsNotFunny

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

@BruceForce

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@bourgeoisalien

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

@HenpeckedHal

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch