Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Ummm
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
couldn’t resist
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Van Gone
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?