My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Thursday
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago