I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
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Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
me before I type out affect or effect
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.